The past week started off intensely for Singaporeans after Mr. Lee Kuan Yew’s passing on Monday morning where this little red dot woke up a Singapore that felt different. It maybe be a little turn slightly for the worst or the better whichever you may think it of. The loss of a monumental leader which lies close to the hearts of Singaporeans or possibly the epitome of our Singaporean heartbeat, led to hundred of thousands of locals scrambling to offer their last respect.
I was born in 1991, a year after Mr. Lee Kuan Yew has stepped down as the first prime minister of Singapore. Effectively, I haven’t been able to comprehend how life was like directly under Mr. Lee Kuan Yew, the only impact I was able to feel was the ripples of his policies which lay the foundation for modern Singapore.
During this week, I struggled to make sense of this unfathomable feeling within me. It was a wretched mess of confusion, sadness, optimism, awe and humility clawing their way for my attention and to gain majority influence. My brain constantly holding a knife behind my back, forcing me to choose a emotion that I need to show; something that I need to portray to others, either a smile, tears or something that others could make sense of – that many emotions in me was strictly out of limits.
There and then, I set out to realize what was that sonorous ring in others that allowed them to set their emotions straight. I spent my hours looking at Mr. Lee Kuan Yew’s epoch when he started to straighten things out for Singapore and how did he manage to bring Singapore to what it is today. Articles after articles poured onto the internet praising him for his successes, black and white speeches being uploaded to various social media and dozens of tributes for this great founder. Was what I needed up there? No, it wasn’t.
Looking at live screenings of hordes of people chanting his name and tearing profusely while he made his way to the Parliament House for the Lying-in-State funeral. I convinced myself to head down to the Padang to pay my final respects for this indispensable leader of Singapore. The norm became 5 – 10 hours of wait after the second day of mourning but that didn’t deter thousands of Singaporeans or me. I ventured down mentally and physically preparing myself for possibly the longest and most meaningful wait of my life.
Arriving at the holding area, my senses took in everything I possibly could have. The unpleasant humidity, the distant echoes of chattering and what was priceless were the expressions that everyone had. Deep within there is a wrenching pain, the constant twitch of your eyebrows, flustered eye movements and fingers that couldn’t stop fiddling around – these were signals that people were holding it in. As we inched closer to the Parliament House everyone naturally quietened, most heads bowed, those chatting were frowned upon and occasionally my eyes met with others, silently praying for Mr. Lee Kuan Yew. The moment arrived when I finally stood less than 5metres from him, I took a bow, and walked off and turned back to catch a final glimpse of him.
Upon reaching home, nothing felt any better, I wondered if I did something wrongly? Something that I couldn’t feel? Why? After a solemn night whilst walking back home, I unknowingly looked up. Stars shone ethereally down contrasting the heavy-handed lights of the street lamps. An epiphany struck me. That ephemeral moment that I had; how small I was compared to everything humbled me. The world stood large in its grandeur as I realized whatever I needed was to be able to accept what has been, what it is and what will be.
His past was to be celebrated, his passing to be forever remembered and to look forward to a bright future. Ultimately, I became in tune with myself again, I pulled back my mind which has been wondering too far for comfort.
Mr. Lee Kuan Yew’s personal touch to me was really ineffable, for someone who in the past 24 years have not felt the lost of someone. This novel experience settled as a learning for me, something to re-find myself, something for me to be proud of.
Thank you Mr. Lee Kuan Yew.
anightinmyshoes 